Perhaps one of the most profound moments in life is when you realise that somewhere along the way you lost your light.
At some point you started to believe things about yourself that are not true. You hid parts of yourself to fit others and one day you realise you have genuinely forgotten who the real you might even be anymore. She is buried in the deep dark depths, and you have to find a way coax her out again.
The sad thing is that She doesn't trust you anymore, you let her down too many times, you continued to put others need before hers.
I have come to realise that trauma and shame can become trapped in the body and stay there for a very long time before you realise it's there. I have heard this mentioned many times; however, I never quite believed it to be true until recently. Age and wisdom now present to me how I have replayed situations and scenarios throughout my life in an attempt to repair the original wound. Always seeking a better outcome, never realising only I alone had the power to heal myself.
The fact that I have subconsciously repeated once again one of these situations after all of the work I have done has flooded me with shame, though the fact that I can see it so clearly.. Does this mean that I have finally moved through a place that I have been stuck for too many years. Am I really starting to heal.
I have decided it is time for me to see a professional to help me navigate the next steps to meeting my full potential. I feel like I have done all I can on my own and I now need a deeper level of understanding what trauma and shame does to the mind, the body and the soul. It feels like the first 40 years of my life have been one big, intense lesson on what I do not want for my future and now I see that I am the only one in control of where my life goes from here.
When I looked back and realised that my life is really the sum total of every decision I have ever made - the good, the bad and the ugly then it dawned on me that with all I now know - I get to choose how to move forward. I do not have to stay stuck in the loop, I get decide what I want my life to be. Though in reality that does still mean losing dreams and hopes I have long carried, or at the very least redirecting them down a different route.
I am learning to lean into the pain and let it ebb and flow, to really feel it when she digs her cold bony fingers in and won't let go, I am learning to cry, to scream and let it all out and then be kind to myself afterwards, I am learning its ok to leave places when the urge to be alone is overwhelming, to speak my truth and own my mistakes, and to admit when my mind is playing tricks on me. I am learning its ok to not have a bloody clue what my next step is.
For now, I am choosing to treat myself with love and kindness, I am doing this by making the spaces around me beautiful, spending time with friends, walking barefoot on the beach, writing and wearing pretty dresses. They are little ways of wrapping myself in a warm hug.
Healing is not linear, you do not wake up one day all fixed. However if you continue to shine a light on your darkness then those small broken parts of you start to illuminate, Just a little bit every day until your heart expands as you finally glow with self-love and acceptance.
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