Hello 2023, you feel to me like the first rays of sunshine after an intense and wild storm, the heavy clouds have begun to lift, I can see glimpses of blue skies on the horizon and feel the light and warm fragrant summer air caressing my skin. I'm so ready for this new year and the new energy it brings.
2022 challenged me a ridiculous amount... what began as a year of hopes and dreams quickly became one of closed doors and deep introspection – wading through the deep murky waters of my own psyche– feeling an overwhelming urge to run away but instead stumbling blindly into the quicksand. A place where I stayed stuck for what feels like eternity, sifting through the overwhelming contents of my 40 years earthside, a process of learning and unlearning the hard way. Standing completely still while the world whirled and twirled around me. Trying desperately to find a way out only to find that every direction I turned was met with a locked door, a brick wall or heavily overgrown path full of thorny blackberry. Therefore, I became a silent observer. A bystander in the lives of my loved ones as they moved forward with exciting plans and achieving amazing goals. Feeling in equal measures so happy for them all and yet slightly removed from life as I was stayed stuck in one place.
It is very easy to forget that it is in our nature to continuously grow and change, even when all around us feels silent and still. The universe is still dancing through us, our breath flows, our blood pumps, and our minds whirl. Without realising it, we are still moving forward but just not in the tangible sense. Remarkably like the cycle of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. You cannot see the transformation taking place but if you are still long enough, if you move your gaze inward you will feel the essence of yourself emerging again.
2023 is my time to blossom and for all that I have been working towards to start to fall slowly into place. It is going to be a time for exploration, adventures, and play. A time for more laughs, for learning new skills and for finally following my hearts deepest desires.
This process has taught me to love myself unconditionally, to be my own best friend and have my own back. To stand tall in the face of the storm and to find a happiness deep inside of me that will hold me through the hardest of times. Most of all I have learnt to trust my own voice. But I am still not out of the woods yet....
Life is still very much an internal world for me right now, breaking the old pathways and self-limiting beliefs. However, I am slowly becoming more myself with each passing day, but to decondition takes a lot of time and commitment to the hard road and honestly there are still times when I desperately want to get out of my own skin for a while. And often for every few steps forward I take, I am forced backwards at times too. This can be so frustrating, especially when I have been feeling extra good about the progress I have made.
Circumstances outside of my control, are at present keeping me stuck for a wee bit longer. It is not the nicest place to be, but I have come to appreciate that at this moment in time, it is necessary. It is grounding me and bringing me increasingly to the present moment. I am learning to find peace and happiness in the unknown and I am starting to focus more and more on what it is I really want, while at the same time not getting too stuck on the outcome.
So, I am still here - no longer who I was, and still not quite who I am meant to become. I am in the in-between. That magical, scary, liberating place that allows you space to breathe, to let go and eventually move towards who you were always meant to
The path ahead is still annoyingly overgrown with sharp, spiky things; it is just that now I am equipped with a mighty weed wacker, and I trust myself to choose which way to go. If I end up in the wrong place, then I know I just need to change direction.
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