We are born into a world that is a beautiful, magical mystery. Life is supposed to be an exciting adventure waiting to be explored. We grew up listening to fairy tales of happily ever after.... almost always ending with the female character giving up her freedom and her dreams to be saved by the prince. There is a well-worn path laid out in front of us to follow, I mean what could possibly go wrong...
We are soon to learn that life is a series of choices and experiences; good, bad, and ugly. These events will mould and shape us into becoming our future self and proceed to alter our perception of the world.
Some of us will follow that well-worn path to their happily ever after and some of us will never quite get the brief no matter how hard we try.
There is a big part of me that loves nothing more than being a wife and a mother – even though I have not been a wife for a few years now, I see the immense value and delight in loving and caring for your family. Providing a safe, warm environment for your people to come home too, a sanctuary from the craziness of the world. Being a mother to my girls will forever be my most cherished role.
In some ways I would call myself quite old fashioned, I do like the traditional roles in a relationship. I do not desire to see men and woman as equals, I see feminine and masculine energies, I see differences in the way we see the world and what we can offer. To me these differences are beautiful. I want men to be men. I am incredibly happy in my feminine essence. I love to nurture my family, I enjoy making my home look beautiful, fresh flowers and candles in every room of the house, I adore cooking for my family. tending to my garden and feeding my animals. I choose to stay soft, loving, and open even when things are hard. Though here comes the contradiction because I also value feeling empowered and having the freedom to grow. Be it your children, your partner or yourself, I feel you must allow each other the space to become who you are meant to be without the constraints and expectations of another. And I often find that goes amiss in relationships, I tend forget myself and it is my biggest challenge.
I understand I do tend to keep choosing the path less travelled. I keep walking into the uncomfortable spaces. Presenting myself with more than one heavy life lesson and an awful lot of feeling like I am not sure where I am meant to be.
I feel as though my life could be best summed up as a longing and a loneliness for a place I have never been and so I have gone on to live this gypsy like existence. I have had to learn to stand alone and create a life of meaning without a solid anchor to ground me to the earth. I also tend to enter other people's worlds often but rarely do others enter mine.
I have at times resisted the lessons in front of me. Only to set myself back on my journey. The universe is no longer letting me get away with that and this year, I have had to face myself head on – what a challenge to remove all external factors and accept my flaws and life choices without losing my joy, my passion, and my sparkle. It has been ridiculously hard, and I have felt so lost at times – the only way I can describe it is that you have drifted out to sea, you are using up all your strength treading water, you are so tired, but there is still no land in sight
Surely with these lessons come immense wisdom, right? Maybe, I will be a wise old woman one day. We all know the process of growth is always uneasy, we do not grow in comfort. Often the change that happens in order for you to grow leaves you wanting to get out of your own skin. Growth comes from expansion – finding a way to push on ahead regardless. I know I am meant to do something with all of this, it is just not clear to me yet. And every now and then I wish I had chosen an easier way.
There is a certain freedom that comes with living a life for yourself, but it is often a lonely road too. Sometimes the weight of having to make every decision on your own and having no-one to lean on is exhausting. But for me it is necessary for now.
All I know for sure is that for the generations that have paved the way before me and the generations that will come after me, it is important that I continue to heal. Healing transcends time, it is turning a dark and scary path into one that has fairy lights along the way, shining a light on what is ahead to help others. Once you have done the work for yourself, the benefits will continue to flow for generations. This is something I owe to my daughters.
So let us embrace our lessons and our wisdom but let us also keep our softness, our grace, and our compassion. Let us celebrate ourselves and our journey no matter what it may look like.
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