It is 6am and the world around me is still silent, no warm little bodies stumbling into my bed for cuddles or early morning disagreements over whose foot was in the way. Just the sounds of the birds beginning their morning ritual of calling in the light.
My girls went to their dad's yesterday for a few days of fun in the Mount. Their world with him is different to their world with me, I once carried a lot of guilt for my aversion to crowds and not being as outgoing and fun as he, now I just choose to embrace it. The girls get such wonderful experiences with their dad, step-mum and baby brother- they go on holidays to Wanaka and trips to the snow; They go out for dinner at posh restaurants, and they take the boat out water-skiing ...It is actually amazing, and the girls love it... however the reality is I don't want to do these things anyway. Give me camping trips, picnics by the sea and bush walks any day. How freeing it has been to finally accept and embrace those differences.
After the first decent sleep I have had in weeks, I have woken refreshed. I spritzed my face with Ora Morning Muse, made a coffee and I have returned to the comfort of my soft linen sheets with my book and the laptop. Today I don't have to get up to make breakfast and hustle everyone out the door. Today I can start slow and let the day unfold around me. Having just realised that today is in fact a public holiday, aptly in the honour of a very strong and capable woman, I can only hope many of you are doing the same.
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching of late and I find myself inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert/Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love, so recently I decided to go on a wee healing journey of my own.
Obviously jetting off to Italy, India and Bali would be ideal but as circumstances do not presently lend themselves to that possibility, I am having a staycation of the mental and emotional kind.
Walking, whether it be by the sea or in the bush, whilst listening to really great podcasts have become an almost daily practise. I find podcasts so good for my brain.
I am fascinated to discover that I have the power to choose my thoughts after so many years of constantly struggling to hear myself amongst the words of everyone around me. I realised how much I altered myself to fit the room, like a chameleon, before then retreating to my cave for days to reset myself. In hindsight it is most probably why I like to be alone so much. I don't doubt or question myself when I am alone, I now find it rather amusing that in fact I am highly capable of anything I decide to do, just not when other people are around! Something I am keen to unpack further with my new therapist!
Back to the journey of emotional wellness, recently I went for a long walk in the cleansing rain before having an Ayurvedic massage with the gorgeous Kayliah from Nadi Ayuverda. I was handed a cup of fragrant herbal tea to sip slowly before laying on the heated table. I closed my eyes and let the sounds and scents transport me to India as Kayliah used soothing warm herbal infused oils to relax and ground my nervous system. I walked away feeling calm and light, more peaceful than I had in a long time. I highly recommend trying it yourself.
I am choosing to spend restorative time with beautiful, inspiring, strong women. Women that have faced challenges head on, alchemising the pain into love and light. Talking deeply and sharing experiences, all while still finding ways to evoke laughter, this is such a beautiful experience to share with another woman.
I am always down for deep chats about life and love, preferring quality over quantity. I am actually so bad at small talk and floating on the surface of life, to be frank, I actually hate it and often just don't engage anymore. though I am sure there must be a middle ground and I will get there eventually.
Well there you have it. Between therapy sessions, divine friendship, daily walks, eating whole food and ayurvedic massages, I am beginning to feel myself again. Obviously, some of these acts of self-love cannot be sustained long-term, I do know that, but those little acts of self-love are not selfish, they are necessary. The only constant person you have in your life is you. Think of all the selfless things you choose to do for your loved ones, as mama's we tend to always give more than we receive and we forget...I really do matter, I really am valuable. We are kind, brave, nurturing, wise, soulful, beautiful, powerful, unique, intelligent women who deserve all the (self) love in the world.
Beautiful lady, your blog gave me peace. Thanks you ❤️
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